Always answer when a book knocks on your door

I’m one of those therapists that’s always talking about a book I read, that I recommend my clients read or that I want to read. There’s an ever-growing list of books I want to read and hopefully will actually get around to. I love it when clients come to the session and discuss a book they read or suggest one to me. It helps me understand them better within the context of a book that’s important to them. Reading is a big part of my life, my learning and my enjoyment of my unscheduled time.

I prefer to read books first before I recommend them, as it’s so much more beneficial for me to be sure I am recommending something clinically sound, relevant and that matches current research as well as my values. It seemed like a reasonable idea to centralize that list here. I’ll section them by already read in italics and “on the list” in bold for clarity. This isn’t every book I’ve read and enjoyed, it wouldn’t be practical to list all of them. This, however, was an easily-thought-of list that came to mind fairly spontaneously, in no particular order.

While I am linking to the author or publisher’s page typically, remember your local library is a great resource to get many of these books, in print or e-book or audiobooks via free app download.

I do not receive any compensation from anyone regarding recommendation of these books, it’s only because I or my clients have benefited so much that I’m sharing my list.

Here we go!

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• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents https://www.newharbinger.com/author/lindsay-c-gibson/

• What Happened To You? https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250223210/whathappenedtoyou

• It Didn't Start With You - https://markwolynn.com/it-didnt-start-with-you/

• Emotional Inheritance - https://www.galitatlas.com/emotional-inheritance1

• Maybe You Should Talk to Someone - https://lorigottlieb.com/books/maybe-you-should-talk-to-someone/

• The State of Affairs - https://www.estherperel.com/books

• Mating in Captivity - https://www.estherperel.com/books

• Attached - https://www.attachedthebook.com/wordpress/

• I Want This To Work - https://elizabethearnshaw.com/

• The Dance of Anger - https://www.harpercollins.com/products/the-dance-of-anger-harriet-lerner?variant=39876006445090

• Shameless - https://nadiabolzweber.com/shameless/

• The Tao of Pooh - https://www.amazon.com/Tao-Pooh-Benjamin-Hoff/dp/0140067477

• The Te of Piglet - https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/327832/the-te-of-piglet-by-benjamin-hoff/

• The Body Keeps the Score - https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/resources/the-body-keeps-the-score

• Passionate Marriage - https://www.penguinrandomhouse.ca/books/403927/passionate-marriage-by-david-schnarch/9780393334272

• The Four Agreements - https://www.miguelruiz.com/the-four-agreements

• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*@& - https://markmanson.net/books

• In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts - https://drgabormate.com/book/

• Healing the Child Within - https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Healing-the-Child-Within/Charles-Whitfield/9780932194404

• Codependent No More - https://melodybeattie.com/books/codependent-no-stop-controlling-others-start-caring/

• Man’s Search for Meaning - https://viktorfranklamerica.com/viktor-frankl-books/

• The Myth of Normal - https://drgabormate.com/book/

• Scattered Minds - https://drgabormate.com/book/

• When The Body Says No - https://drgabormate.com/book/

• Good Inside - https://www.goodinside.com/book/

• Set Boundaries, Find Peace - https://www.nedratawwab.com/set-boundaries-find-peace-1

• The Body is Not an Apology - https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/

• Hold Me Tight - https://drsuejohnson.com/books/

• Wired for Love - https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250790606/wiredforlove

• No Bad Parts - https://ifs-institute.com/nobadparts

• What My Bones Know - https://www.stephaniefoo.me/

• The 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work - https://www.gottman.com/product/the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work/

• The Mountain is You - https://shopcatalog.com/people/brianna-wiest/

• 10 Percent Happier - https://www.tenpercent.com/dan-harris-books

• The Courage to Be Disliked - https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/The-Courage-to-Be-Disliked/Ichiro-Kishimi/9781501197277

  Tell me below in the comments the books you’ve loved!

The Things we’re “supposed to” do.

So if I’m entirely honest, this blog was started as something I thought I was “supposed to” do. As I started my website I read up on how to increase your SEO, boost new client referrals, educate visitors on your website and all that jazz. Also to be honest, I’m not a writer. I never have been. Throughout my years of life I’ve had the bright idea to start a journal many times over. I’ll write in it for a few days or maybe, maybe a few weeks, but then it gathers dust. It’s just not my thing and I’ve known this for many years. Yet - here I am trying to write a blog AND post regularly!

So why do I do this to myself? Why do so many of us do these types of things to ourselves? As we get near to 2023, there’ll be a lot of New Year’s Resolutions being thrown around, goals being set and intentions being made. Most people really believe that they’ll do the things they set out to do, but many times they fall flat or struggle.

What is the difference between goals and intentions set that get followed and the ones that drop off so quickly? I think that it has something to do with whether the goals we set align with who we truly are and our set of values, or if we’re doing things because we feel compelled to do them by something or someone outside of ourselves. Whether the thing is a “supposed to” or a “want to”. This outside influence could be endless social media posts that tell us we’re not enough, our family who’s critical of us, our relationships with friends and living up to what they're doing or our romantic partners and feeling like we have to be a certain way to be loved.

I believe that even more powerful is the voice in our head that has been there our whole lives. This is the one that beats us up whenever we make a mistake or don’t quite reach the accomplishment we’d set out to do in that moment. This is sometimes a voice that we don’t even notice - it’s so ever-present that we just accept it and don’t even question it.

But what if we did? What if we were able to notice and hear that voice, observe our emotions around the thoughts, check our own motivations for our actions and consciously choose to align our choices with our own values and not someone else’s version of who we ought to be? This is exactly what needs to happen for us to live life more authentically and with more joy.

This however is a practice and one that isn’t easily done. It’s a “simple not easy” type of change. I challenge anyone reading this to start practicing the observance of your thoughts, slowing down enough to catch them instead of them flying by while we’re on auto-pilot during our day. Once you start noticing the thoughts more often, you can consider the source and whether it really matches with who you are and what you want to get out of that moment and your life as a whole. This observation can create space for more intentional choices, more opportunity to honor ourselves and our needs and help us be more compassionate to ourselves, and also to others.

I challenge you today NOT to do one thing you typically would that falls under the “supposed to” category for you. If you’re brave, tell me what that one thing was for you today in the comments.

The Journey

One of my favorite poems is by the American poet, Mary Oliver, entitled “The Journey”.

This is a poem that spoke to my heart immediately upon reading it. It came to me in a time in which I had been struggling emotionally and with my work for some time, thinking - there has to be more than this!

It was a breath of fresh air, a drink of water after being desperately parched, and a response to a question I had been asking myself for some time but never truly had the courage to answer until reading the poem.

I ended up using The Journey as the basis for my resignation letter from my community mental health job where I had been for over 14 years. My supervisor cried upon reading it and told me it was the most beautiful resignation letter she’d ever read. That is what I was hoping for and ultimately how I hope to leave my life, my clients, my family and anything I am involved in - better than how I found it.

Since then, I have created Yellow Tree Counseling, LLC and started to build a life that is determined by me and for me (and family) and is more in line with my values. I share this poem with clients at times to help them identify areas in which they’d like to shift and ways to do it. Change is a process but one that we often agonize over.

What if we actually did what we, in our hearts and souls, knew to be right the moment we knew it? What suffering could we avoid? What joy could we add to our own lives or the lives of others?

What stops you from taking the steps, making the choices and living the life you’d like to lead?

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The Journey

“One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice --

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voice behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do --

determined to save

the only life that you could save.”

- Mary Oliver

Image of Mary Oliver taken

by Molly Malone Cook

https://maryoliver.com/bio/

Welcoming Our Emotions

One of the most common things I work on with people is learning to name, experience and eventually welcome emotions into their daily experience. So many people are regularly trying to avoid those emotions - trying not to feel whatever it is they’re uncomfortable with. Avoiding emotions can take many different forms from numbing with drugs, alcohol, spending, sex or food or routinely resorting to anger or abandoning important people and relationships when things get too tough.

People often label emotions as “good” or “bad”, and therefore “bad” is to be avoided. Do you ever think of your emotions this way? There’s really no such thing as a good emotion or a bad emotion - just emotions that we prefer to feel or prefer to avoid. Every emotion has its appropriate and healthy place and time. If I asked you what your most difficult emotion to feel or express is, what would you say? What about the easiest? Now, a harder question - why?

Everyone’s answers will be a little bit different depending on your personality, current mental health and your experiences of life up to this point.

I want to share one of my favorite poems with you.

The Guest House by Jalaluddin Rumi

“This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.”

I love this poem because it illustrates the beautiful and profound idea to welcome in all of our emotions - not just the ones that are pleasant or that we prefer to feel.

I share this poem frequently in sessions, and it often leads to one of my favorite therapy moments. The moment when the person in front of me says, “I never thought of it that way before!” This is a moment where they are gaining perspective, a moment of learning about themselves, about life and about ways to improve their day to day.

I also experience joy and an interconnectedness in this same moment. I think that means that things are just as they should be and I am grateful.

What is Anxiety?

Everyone gets nervous sometimes, and some of us are nervous a lot! It’s important to know when the nervousness is at “normal” healthy levels, and when it crosses over into being something that is diagnosable (but therefore treatable).

If you’re nervous about an upcoming presentation, meeting someone new, driving to a place you’ve never been or are experiencing something very important and impactful to your future like a job interview, it can be helpful and healthy to be a little bit nervous. It can push you to prepare more effectively before those big events or to pay more attention and be more focused in the moment.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) now on the 5th edition is our diagnostic “bible” of sorts. All of the current possible diagnoses related to mental health, developmental and substance use disorder are located in this manual that is just under 950 pages long. This manual is always under review and as new research comes out, diagnoses are amended, removed or added over time.

Let’s talk more about the clinical definition of Anxiety and what some signs and symptoms are that can help you know if it’s time to get help from a professional.

The DSM-5 describes anxiety as “…the anticipation of future threat.” It goes on to say that “…anxiety is more often associated with muscle tension and vigilance in preparation for future danger and cautious or avoidant behaviors.” Anxiety can manifest in a variety of ways with a variety of symptoms. Common anxiety disorders include Separation Anxiety Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Specific Phobias, Social Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, and Substance-Induced Anxiety Disorder.

Let’s dig into Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) as it’s one of the most commonly diagnosed mental health conditions in the United States. Symptoms of GAD are:

• Excessive anxiety or worry occurring more days than not for at least 6 months about a number of events or activities

• Difficulty controlling the worry

• Worry associated with 3 or more of the following: restlessness or being keyed up/on edge, easily fatigued, difficulty concentrating or mind going blank, irritability, muscle tension, sleep disturbance (difficulty falling or staying asleep)

• Anxiety or worry and physical symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other areas of functioning

• The anxiety is not due to the effects of a substance or medication

  Other facts about anxiety:

• Twice as many females as males experience generalized anxiety disorder

• The median age for diagnosis of GAD is 30, though it can begin earlier or later

• Physical symptoms often accompany GAD including sweating, nausea, diarrhea, exaggerated startle response, muscle aches or soreness, trembling, accelerated heart rate, shortness of breath, dizziness, headaches or irritable bowel syndrome.

If you’ve been experiencing any of these symptoms - there is help. Treatment for GAD is via talk therapy, medication management or a combination of both. The gold standard of treatment for GAD is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT. CBT helps you to identify and understand how your thoughts, emotions and behaviors are all linked together. When irrational thoughts are present in your mind, often negative effects come from this. Learning to identify, stop, and change your thoughts that are negative or irrational is a focus of CBT. Many therapists (including me) use CBT. It is also utilized for other diagnoses such as depression or helping people make changes with other behavioral or physical health problems as well.

I want to leave you with one thing that I often teach my clients that helps GAD - a grounding technique. I call it 5-4-3-2-1. In practicing it you’ll either think of, write down or speak out loud 5 things you can see in the room you’re in or an imaginary place that you’d like to be in right now. Then 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. In doing this, it brings you into the present moment and out of your thoughts which may be rapid, negative, overwhelming or repeating unnecessarily. It also helps to bring you in touch with your body - with physical sensations of touch, taste and smell. This technique can be used anytime you need it - while driving, while in a room full of people, when trying to fall asleep or after awakening from a nightmare.

If you or someone you know may have anxiety - reach out to a professional and encourage them to do the same. Treatment works and you can lessen your symptoms and learn ways to be calmer and more grounded and present in the moment, no matter the circumstances.

How the heck do I blog anyway?

I decided that I wanted to write a blog for my website. This year I’m making conscious choices to do things that are super new to me - quitting my job as a director at a local agency after working there for over 14 years, opening my own business, creating business cards, figuring out referral sources, creating a website all my myself, learning what SEO is (halfway at least) and realizing that people blog and maybe I should too?

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I created my social media sites for Yellow Tree Counseling, LLC, but just cannot keep up with them if I’m being honest. I suppose being honest is a good thing, though it is sometimes super scary. Same with CHANGE. Something I always used to avoid. I’m at a place in life where I want to try new things, take some calculated risks and find more joy and fulfillment in life as a whole. You know, just what everyone everywhere is searching for since the dawn of time.

No big deal, right?!

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I want this to be a space where I write about things that are therapy and mental health related. I want to normalize seeking help and talking about mental health. I want to share funny things, contemplative things, ways of coping that may help you in a moment of need - things that are meaningful to me and those that I aim to help through my therapy practice.

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So, welcome. Welcome to this space and thank you for sharing in it with me.

Things Your Therapist is Thinking…

I’m going to let you in on a little secret - we therapists are human too! I know, it’s shocking, but stick with me here.

It’s true that while we’re sharing wonderful insights, reflecting feelings, validating your experience and overall sounding so professional (on a good day) - we’re just human beings sitting there with you. Here are some things we are thinking before, during or after our sessions.

• You’re my favorite/least favorite client.

• I wasn’t looking forward to/super looked forward to our session today.

• You’re a cool human - I wish we could be friends.

• Did I remember to run the dishwasher/turn off the iron/feed the dog this morning?

• I hope I don’t yawn…don’t yawn…don’t yawn…dang I hope they didn’t just see me yawn.

• I’ve totally felt that way too. Actually, you handled that situation a little better than I did!

• I lost someone I loved too, now I’m missing them and I hope you don’t see my tears coming.

• Oops, I said something pretty stupid there. I hope that didn’t wreck our relationship. I will rehearse how to bring this up next time, or apologize when we meet again.

• I have no idea what to say to you right now in this moment.

• You’re sitting in my chair, but I will act as though there’s no such thing as my chair.

• I wish I could punch your dad/mom/grandfather/grandmother/brother in the face for how they treated you.

• I think about how to help you or what interventions will work best in the most random moments outside of our sessions.

• I love seeing your dog/cat/baby/sibling/family when we’re using telehealth.

• I love the decrease in power differential and increase in connection that telehealth provides. I get to meet you in your space with your own comfort items nearby and it’s such a beautiful thing to see into your space.

• I still think about clients I’ve lost to overdose deaths or other causes randomly all the time - even years later.

• I hope you can’t tell that at times I doubt myself as a therapist.

• When you say, “I never thought of it that way”, I get very excited.

• I want you to see yourself the way I see you - as strong, smart, resilient, capable, insightful, funny, and all the other positive things that you typically deny about yourself.

• Your dad/mom/caregiver was wrong in how they treated you - you deserved better and I’m devastated that you didn’t get what you needed.

• My silence is purposeful - you need to hear yourself and I can actually see your gears turning right now.

• I sometimes have no answers for you - not even half of a quarter of a fraction of an answer.

• I wish I could give you the gift of magical healing - poof - the problem you came here with is solved!

• I’m so often overwhelmed with gratefulness that you’re choosing to share the deepest parts of yourself with me, and that I have even a small part in your healing - this is so endlessly amazing to me.